Monday, March 11, 2013

Panic Attacks At Church

I have a hard time going to church, like really hard.  There I said it.  May lightning strike me down.  Church can give me panic attacks and make me want to flee.

I lived inside my father's mental illness.  When you live your childhood believing in someone's delusions you are left with trauma.  Religion provided an explanation for every belief and self grandeur.  The religious belief that you can have personal revelation opens the gateway to the mentally unstable to believe their delusions are of God. 

Yesterday's lesson in church was taught by a beautiful and intelligent woman.  I admire her and I thought she was amazing.  And yet the lesson made me want to crawl under the chair.  It was on how someday we will be like God.  This isn't even an idea that I disagree with.  Would God as a loving parent want us to be like Himself?  Sure.  Does a person who is not mentally competent believe that if someday why not today?  So I'm going to go home and write thousands of pages of journals recording my revelations.  I am the true prophet and someday the leader of the church will be struck down and I will take his place.  And I'm going to sit down my minor children and tell them about all my wives who don't know I exist, but someday they will.  I will decide which of my six children are elect and will sit with God, and which ones will be found apostate and will die by fire, and then I will tell them which one they are.  And I will study the scriptures for hours and thump on it with excitement when I see myself in the word of God.  Because the church has told me I have personal revelation and I am truly seeing God!  To me church has become a safe haven for those who truly need professional and medical attention.

I believe in God.  I believe in my religion.  But I am traumatized by it. 

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