My goal in writing this post is that I used to love to blog. It was a release for me and I found joy from it. I miss that. Now I only find dread when I log into wordpress. I am not being my authentic self because no one knows what is really happening in my life. So I am going to write not about the tedious problems but my emotions in the hope that I can once again be authentic.
Forgiveness is difficult. I can do it, I've done it many times. My brother has a narrow esophagus. He has to take small bites and chew and chew in order to swallow any food so that it doesn't become lodged in his throat. If it does get stuck it is painful until he can get the item through. Forgiveness is like that mushy glob of food in my brother's throat. I know it must go through, I know I'll feel better when it is released, but it hurts! (This analogy is totally making me laugh!) I want this mushy glob of forgiveness to be passed and simmering in my stomach acids bringing great relief to my soul. (what I wrote is so ridiculous that I'm leaving it up just to humor myself)
Mistakes are so exhausting. My brother has this bowel movement problem. Totally kidding! I have no analogy for mistakes except to say that they make me tired. I keep making the same ones. Mistakes that make my day to day life difficult.
Fear consumes me. I have always been a fearful person. I've gotten better at confronting my fears and doing the things I want to do. Fear is a constant companion for me. Most people don't know that I struggle with fear because I'm afraid people will know I'm scared. See the crazy cyclical thing this fear is for me?
And marriage is hard. I want to be a wonderful wife but the truth is my husband gets to see my worst side. The part that is retching from unswallowed forgiveness, my never ending mistakes with a big side of fear. How would you like to cuddle up with that every night?
The morning of December 31st I came up with several wonderful New Years resolutions that would solve all my problems. There was a long list of all the things I would accomplish. I was so excited for the new me. I would be a thinner, courageous, perfectionist forgiver! I could almost feel the muscles my nicely toned arms I would have in a few short weeks. That night at a New Years party my sister-in-law asked me if I had any resolutions. My mind went completely blank! I guess I should have written down those goals! Because my memory is so bad I am going to replace my resolutions with one word.
My word for the year is
to give support or relief to; to bear up under; to carry or withstand; to support as true.
My hope is to finally give forgiveness and sustain that position. I want to stop making the same mistakes so I can feel relief, and to sustain my courage.