Wednesday, April 22, 2009

She's Gonna Blow!

014 Note to all those who know me in real life: Don't talk to me about this blog post. I don't care if people know how I'm feeling but I don't want to talk about it.  Because I'll be embarrassed.  And I don't mind if people know I'm not prefect, but I prefer to pretend they don't know.  I know, I'm a bit crazy.

I've left it unsaid on this little blog of mine.  But I find it hard to write when I feel like I'm not being authentic.  The truth is, things have been hard. 

We were fortunate in the fact that we had movers neatly pack our belongings, haul everything across the country, and return everything undamaged.  But I feel like we were placed in one of the moving boxes and dumped out on the front lawn.  And as the movers backed their truck up they yelled out the window, "Good luck with that!" 

School has been very hard for all 3 of my children.  It is becoming more and more difficult to send them to school everyday.  They are lonely and at this moment in time I am of the opinion that Utah children have not been taught to treat others as they would like to be treated.  But why would they teach their children to love one another?  Because it is clear to me that the adults don't live the golden rule either.

And I am completely and utterly failing in the mother department.  I have no patience, I am constantly irritated, and I am so tired of repeating myself.  I didn't think it was possible for me to get so tired of my own voice.  I have yelled much more than I like to admit.  I am ashamed.  I am destroying my own dream of having a home where my children feel loved, nurtured, and adored. 

So, if you have come this far into my blog meltdown, let me conclude with my plan.  I will be trying some new things this week. 

1.  I am creating chore packs for my kidlets.  I cringe when I say this because my mom used to spend endless hours making chore charts for us that we proceeded to ignore.  These packs will be made to clip together so the boys can carry them around and flip through them as they complete each chore.  I will probably post more on this as it develops, because it will give me the opportunity to admit my failure or astonish myself with something that actually works.

2.  I will begin exercising.  I am hoping it will help my knees, because my knees are causing me a lot of pain right now.  The weather here is amazing right now.  We have beautiful hike and bike paths in our neighborhood that I want to use.  And Devin loves it. 

3.  I will become a vegetarian.  Just kidding, I plan to be a part time vegetarian where I will not be eating meat until dinner.  Yes, Daniel and Heidi, you may take credit for this recent development.  I have been listening to Heidi's favorite podcast, Food for Thought.  A lot of it makes sense.  Except for the last one about cruelty to chickens.  I don't care.  I hate chickens.  I come by this hatred honestly.  Please read Alektorophobia.  I just want to feel better physically.  And I want the 25 pounds from the last time I birthed a baby to go away!  And I'm afraid of cancer.  And dying.  And chihuahua dogs, but that's another blog post.

4.  I will not yell.  Sounds easy, right?  I will not yell.  Unless someone's about to be ran over by the recycling truck.

Okay, if you've made it this far you really do love me.  Remember, mum's the word.  I like to live my failure's on my blog and not in person!


Dan and Heidi said...

I really do love you! Even if mums the word!

Dan said...

Wow! I have so many questions...first and most importantly what does "mum's the word" mean?

Jason said...

Okay, I won't talk to you about it, but is email okay?
I can totally see why you're feeling the way you do. Moving is tremendously difficult, especially when it is to a different state and a different culture and with four kids that span the ages yours do. All of that readjusting is so hard.
I like your plan. Not too detailed, not too much. The exercising will make a huge difference in how you feel.
I'm sure your kids still feel loved, nurtured, and adored even though their mom yells at them sometimes.
Good idea about the recycling truck. By the way, I'm so glad Utah has started to recycle. Finally.
And I bet I know why you're afraid of Chihuauas. Probably not many people know why, but I do.
Hang in there! This, too, shall pass. Things will get better.

Jason said...

I loved your chicken commentary, too! "I don't care. I hate chickens." Thanks for the link!

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